Friday, April 07, 2006

Chavistani's Demand Independence

In a move that has shocked political commentators Vikram Patel, head of the Chavistani liberation Front (CLF), has demanded that Chavistanis are given control of a series of states within the UK.

Dr Frederick Shmack, head of Multicultural Studies at University College London, had this to say about the movement:

"The Chavistanis are a proud people, standing up against the evils of education, manners and good dress sense all over the UK. Although finding their inspiration from the traditional white chav movement, they seem to have carved out their very own distinctly desi sub-niche. Asians in the UK are a varied lot - more often than not, you can tell the difference between a Pakistani and an Indian, or a Bengali and a Sri-Lankan. The beauty of the chavistani is that it transcends the usually bitter sub-continental divisions. Pakistanis, Indians, Bengalis and Sri Lankan’s become one, a sort of unholy alliance of uncouth morons. A chavistani is a chavistani, not an Indian, not a Pakistani...a chavistani, and will remain so till he realises the error of his ways and renounces his former lifestyle. "

Fuelled by anger, idiocy and "coz they got nuttin better to do innit", the chavistani movement is calling for a series of semi-independent, self-governed regions of autonomy in the UK. They claim that their way of life is being threatened by the rule of law.

In a statement, Vikram Patel said:

"Bruv, mans needs his own crib innit. Ma boyzzz iz gettin hassled ways to much by dem racist. Mans trina chirps er n they always get in da way, tru say."


"Brother, we need our own state. We fear racial abuse from the police, to the extent that we cant even cultivate meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. That, my friends, is the truth."

He went on:

"Raa bruv, were goin dan to Blair’s ouse innit, we gonna bash em up roodebwoy style...don’t wanna mess wid ma crew man, ma crew is sick bruv."


"We are organising a protest outside the Houses of Parliament, demanding that they give us the right to govern ourselves. All senior members of the Chavistani Liberation Front will be present. They will not be able to ignore a protest of such magnitude."

Patel, a graduate from the Chavistani School of Sickness – more popularly known as the University of East London – and organiser of tomorrow’s march recently drew up proposals outlining which parts of the UK should be ceded to the CLF. The proposals took longer than expected, with senior members confusing a map of Argentina with that of the UK.

Singh: Bruv, there aint a bo-nnies aei-eh-ries in England, man.
Patel: Mans no nutting bout Geography..i got an E in ma GCSE bruv..give me tha map innit.
Singh: Raa...bruv, mans a genius...i got a G innit..
Patel: Izzit..haha..g fo g-unit.

The topic soon turned to Fiddy's beef with the game. 3 days later, they managed to secure a map of what they thought was the UK. It wasn’t.

Singh: Bruv, New York aint in England man.
Patel: Haha..mans no nuttin bout Geography...New York’s in Yorkshire, innit?
Singh: Oh seen..raa bruv, man’s a genius.
Patel: Tru dat, I got a E in ma GCSE geography, innit?
Singh: Respect bruv, respect...i got a G innit?
Patel: Haha...G for G-unit.

The topic soon turned to 50 cent’s latest album. After finally getting their hands on an actual map of the UK, Patel demanded that Bradford, North West London, East London and Leicester be given independence. In a surprisingly coherent statement released today, the CLF were adamant that their plans would be a success:

"We hope the Blair government will listen to us. We believe that as moronic idiots, we should be given an opportunity to govern ourselves. All peoples should have the right to self-determination. We are a disgusting, illiterate, foul-mouthed people and should not be exposed to the masses."

The statement was later retracted, with Patel claiming it had been "messed up by a hater" or, in conventional English "sabotaged".

Political commentators have pointed out that the march tomorrow may not have much of an effect. It is believed that coachloads of people from all over the country are confused as to the exact location of Parliament, with most setting up camp in Upminster instead of Westminster. A group of about 100 grass roots CLF members were seen protesting outside 10 Dowling street in Swindon. When asked what they were doing there, one Adidas clad teenager replied "We’re hatin President Bush, innit?" A friend corrected him, "Naa bruv, its Prime Minister Bush, trust bruv – I got a E in GCSE Geograpy".

Burberry Inc refused to comment on the issue.


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